Day 229

I am completely lost. I have no purpose, no direction. No path. I’ve caused more pain this year than in any other. No one will read this, and that is fine with me. Where do I go from here?

Day 99

One month ago I accepted a new job offer. I’d become very unhappy with my job; work environment, social segregation of full timers and contractors, and the industry as a whole. But it paid extremely well and, after having been there 18 months, I had a number of good friends…one in particular more than any other. The good of the new job seemed to outweigh the good + bad of the old job (closer to home, prospect of being converted to a full timer, among other things). Problem being…I had no understanding of the new job bad stuff.

I still don’t…but I’m beginning to get an idea.

In the two and a half weeks since I’ve been here, I’ve done roughly 2 hours of actual work. 2 out of 104 hours. 2%. $5200 paid (gross, not net), $100 earned. 5 other BA’s were hired at the same time as I (and 4 others the week before), and it feels like I’m the only one who hasn’t had to deliver anything of substance. I have a very disturbing feeling that they hired a mass of new people to short contracts, with the intention of only keeping a few. Not a bad way to weed out the non-performers…but how the FUCK can I perform if I’m stuck on the bench?

I am questioning a lot lately, and today the biggest ? above my head is the decision to leave my old job for this one.

What have I done?

Day 93

Today is Easter. Today is the holiest day of the Christian faith. But today I don’t feel a whole lot of holy. Or faith. Or Christian.

Today I am lost in conversation – debate – with myself. I was raised in a non-denominational Christian home in a non-denominational Christian church. So many of the things I believe are because they are what I was tought growing up. But why do I still believe them?

Sitting in church this morning I felt nothing. Words sung, words preached, words prayed. Nothing. I don’t disbelieve…I just don’t feel anything. Is that indifference? Is that worse than disbelief?

I’ve been home from Easter dinner for a bit now. It was alright. I’m not much for a big baked ham. Or pineapple glaze. I was just pleasant enough to avoid being asked if everything was alright. Because the answer is no.

But no one ever really wants to hear that everything is not alright. Most people are uncomfortable dealing with that. “No Mr. father-in-law, I’m not ok. I’ve been long struggling to identify the faith of my childhood with the experiences of my adulthood.”. There could be no short discussion, and certainly not without unpacking the very large suitcase that holds my heart and my mind.

But then, what do I even have to be questioning? To be ungrateful for? With one of the highest jobless rates in recent history, I was able to quickly move from one very well-paying job to another. I have very little and no serious debt. I am in excellent health. I have a strong family. I am well liked by friends, colleagues, and just about everyone else I ever meet.

But still, here I lay on my futon, drifting without sail in the sea of my own little world.

I guess it all just proves that no matter how good things look on the surface, no one can every really know what lurks in the depths.

Day 32

Normally I don’t care much for electronica or pop-type music, but this guy Ronald Jenkees is talented out the ass. Bit of a strange dude, but I think that adds to his awesomeness.

It was very cold this weekend. I was supposed to spend some time chopping wood with my dad Saturday, but the temperature never rose above 20, and there was a steady breeze. No. Thank. You. Just two weeks ago there was 3 or 4 straight days in the upper 50s. “Oh it’s global warming!”. “No it’s global cooling!”. Misinformed masses are misinformed.

Sometimes I’m the same way with things. An unrecognizable pattern of warm and cold. 3 or 4 weeks will go by where I am entirely motivated to go to the gym every day after work. Then suddenly a couple of weeks where I’ll find every possible excuse not to go. Same goes for playing Warcraft or Halo or Ice Hockey or eating healthy or listening to a particular album. I think most people are this way. Interests and intentions wax and wane. I’m not sure it’s necessarily a good or bad way to be, just that I notice it in myself. The seasons of being.

Day 26

Sometimes, while at work, I go into the bathroom stall just to spend a few minutes scratching my balls. Men will understand this, women will think it’s gross.

It’s not really much different than taking off a shoe to scratch a foot. I just cant exactly pull out my sack or plunge my hand down my pants at my desk and scratch away. But whatever, I do it. I look forward to doing it.

Day 15

13 months ago I bought a house. A nice house, in a nice neighborhood. I was able to avoid lofty closing costs and get a really low mortgage interest rate because of two things: I qualified for FHA and the first time home buyers tax credit. When I filed my taxes for 08, I claimed the tax credit for the house and paid back my parents for the money I borrowed to cover closing costs. Around October the IRS sent me a letter asking for copies of my settlement documents. So I called to find out what I needed to send, made the copies, and sent off the letter. Good enough, right?

WRONG. Not when the person who opened the letter and processed the papers into the IRS system is an invalid.

Yesterday I got a letter saying that the documentation didn’t have the proper signatures. Forget the fact that the deed has all of the pertinent information necessary to prove my purchase date and closing price. So what’d they do? Removed the credit from my account and canceled the claim. Now I OWE the IRS $8k, which is subject to 1 years worth of penalties and late fees. I do, however, have options…

I can write a letter to the IRS processing department, which will take 30 days to get a response. I can REFILE the claim, which will take 12-16 weeks to process. Awesome. I WAS planning on filing my 09 tax returns very early this year, but with the money I now owe, I’ll get nothing in return. I’m trying to find out from the IRS if I can just reclaim the tax credit on the 09 returns, which I think is the most hassle-free course of action.

Thanks IRS

Day 13.1

I want to move to a climate where I can grow produce more than 4 months out of the year…